I have had so much on my mind. My thoughts have been bouncing like a ball in a pinball machine.
Today would be our third wedding anniversary; it’s my first alone.
Reflecting on this past year (or so), I realize something. The lessons I have learned in this chapter of my story are lessons I knew I needed. If I’m honest, I’d been avoiding them. That sucks, to admit. For years, I was just a shell of a person. I mean that nothing was inside of me… because I had given it all away. I was a shell with a smile. I kept myself busy prioritizing anything/anyone else over myself. I didn’t show myself respect. I’d never trusted my intuition, and I was surrounded by people who took advantage of me, put me down, and criticized me. I didn’t ever feel like I was worth anything. I would do anything to feel an ounce of acceptance, even for a moment, until something else was needed. I knew all this because I was constantly exhausted, but helping and continually fixing things for others was easier than facing my issues and changing my behavior.
Fast forward a year. I am so proud of the Brie I am today. I have changed my behavior.
I have put me first, set boundaries, and learned to respect myself.
Through this divorce, I have maintained my morals and my integrity. That’s something that I say with lots of pride. Even though, admittedly, some days it’s been hard. Can I say I don’t have days of anger and pity parties for myself…? Hell no, I can’t. There have been days I have thought things like, “This man cheated. He has faced no repercussions; my whole life has been turned upside down, and he’s not affected.” Then I question the universe… I take a minute to feel my feelings, but then I challenge myself to find the silver lining.
Skip forward a couple of months… After anxiously moving into my place and telling the movers where I want things placed, picking out the furniture I want, and putting things in the drawers I think they belong in… I realized I rose to the challenge of finding my silver lining.
This whole experience has given me freedom. Freedom, honestly… from me. I was conditioned to depend on what he thought, do what he told me, see things the way he did, make decisions based on how he wanted me to think, and believe that whatever I thought was wrong.
It’s taken time, but I feel much more confident in my actions, decisions, and thinking. ALL OF IT! It’s a work in progress, but I am getting there!
It’s the best feeling in the world to be yourself. To be proud and know you’re enough for anyone.
Most importantly, to know that…I’m enough for me. To not to question it.
I’m finally at a place where I’m not seeking acceptance from anyone.
All that matters to me is what I think of myself.
If you look hard enough, there’s always a silver lining.
With this new sense of self and this new-found self-confidence, I am actively chasing my dreams. I am willingly trying things that I wouldn’t have ever done. I am sticking up for, advocating for, and unapologetically being myself.
I knew I had a second chance at life, surviving my car accident. I have 0 intention of wasting this second chance, but I can’t help but feel, in a different way, like this divorce was another chance at life. I have no intention of wasting this one, either.
I’ll celebrate today; I wouldn’t have found myself without the experiences from this last year.
Today, I move to the next chapter.
