My mind has been everywhere lately. I’ve wanted to write this blog as cohesively as possible. I’ve rewritten it a zillion times, but honestly, it will be everywhere; it’s my blog, my thoughts, and if you want to take the ride, you have been prefaced.
Life lately has been a shit show. I have had so much on my plate. I’m dealing with some heavy stuff. They say you’re never given more than you can handle. My threshold is higher than I ever gave myself credit for; I thought I was past what I could handle in 2017.
Writing and posting things on the worldwide internet for anyone to see is very vulnerable and scary. I believe that honesty, sharing our experiences, and vulnerability bring us together, which is why I do.
I’ve been working on myself for a few years, doing personal work in therapy. Therapy is an ongoing journey to better myself, but I’m worth the investment. I’ve always been told that I am an empath. That’s a fancy term to say that I feel everyone’s feelings around me. I never credit myself for anything, but I am good at immediately picking up on someone’s “vibes,” who they are as people, and their authenticity. That works for me and against me.
What I want to be in life and what I want to accomplish is simple: I want to be a good person and do the right thing.
I work in a school, and posters with the national suicide hotline phone number are posted everywhere. Signs that say, “It’s okay not to be okay” can also be found throughout campus.
I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been times when I thought ending my life would be better than being here. I’ve had multiple instances of it, and I’m sure there will be more. I never told anyone when I had those thoughts. However, I don’t think that’s a coward’s way of thinking. I don’t think it’s taking the “easy” way out, asking for attention, or whatever negative stigma is surrounded by thoughts like that. I think that’s being a human. Life is hard; we all have thresholds, get lost, and feel alone. I think it’s a cry for help.
For me personally, what I am learning about myself in therapy is that it’s hard for me to ask for help. I was reluctant to accept this feedback when my therapist told me this. I always considered myself good at being independent and figuring things out, but not being too proud to ask for help when needed. For example, when trying to build something or figure out how to do something on the computer, etc. I will try, but if I conclude that I can’t do it alone, I will ask for assistance.
She specified that I’m not good at asking for help regarding emotions. Ironically, typically, that’s why most people in my life come to me for help. So, I guess I’m good at making sure everyone else is okay and helping them to be okay, but I’m not great at recognizing it or asking for help when it comes to myself.
The fear of throwing myself a pity party is one of my most real fears. Pity parties are one of the most aversive things and my biggest pet peeve. However, I’m trying to give myself grace and help teach myself a lesson to discriminate the difference between validating my feelings and recognizing the pain and experience that I’m going through/ have gone through and how it’s affected me versus expecting the world to pity me and expect everything because of those experiences (Throwing a pity party.)
I typically am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. I love to laugh, hug people, and tell jokes; I’m warm and bubbly. People describe me as very approachable. I take pride in that. As stated earlier, I’m very good at picking up on people and how they are. If I sense they aren’t themselves, I usually ask them privately if they need anything or tell them I notice they don’t seem like themselves and offer help.
Returning to the school posters with the suicide hotline numbers and the “It’s okay not to be okay” posters.
It is okay not to be okay. But you don’t have to do it alone.
It’s one thing to recognize that you or someone else is not okay, but take action after the recognition.
What I wish I could see more of in the world is people being more understanding and empathetic when they suspect someone isn’t okay. If someone is acting out of the ordinary or in a way that isn’t deemed “normal,” I wish people would take the time to ask, “Are you okay?” You never know what someone is going through.
I want to eliminate the negative stigma that comes with showing the vulnerable side of yourself and being able to express that you’re not okay. It doesn’t show you’re weak or less valuable if you’re vulnerable. There needs to be more conversations about how someone feels before they get to the point of needing a suicide hotline phone number.
As a woman in her late twenties, it’s hard for me to ask for help or even recognize that I need it. If I notice people are down and take time to talk to them, more times than not, it opens the floor for a more meaningful conversation and connection. If we can’t continue that conversation then and there, we do it later, but it helps them feel heard and cared about for the time being. Then, they can move forward with their day.
When someone shows compassion and understanding by asking something as simple as “Are you okay?” perspective can be shifted, making a huge difference.
