It’s been a long while since I have written friends. I apologize for the radio silence. Although I have been on a “break,” This “break” has been anything but relaxing. A lot has happened through this absence. The lessons I have learned throughout this chapter are plentiful. The chaos started in October. Since then, I have moved out of my home, experienced single-girl life, made new friends, learned a lot more about myself, and started this joke of a thing they call “dating.”
I told you lots of new shit…
Hmm, so where to begin? I’ll rip the bandage off and get the worst out of the way. He came home, told me he was unfaithful, and asked for a divorce.
I’d be lying if I said that some of me didn’t want to sit and write out all the things that had gone wrong over the past seven years that we were together. The Taylor Swift fan in me wants to talk about all the betrayal and heartbreak. I could sit here and play the blame game and point fingers all day. However, I do know that relationships take two. As much as I want to blame it all on him, I know I was part of the equation. I recognize that a relationship is between two people. Although I own up to my mistakes, I don’t want to repeat these mistakes in the future.
After working through the stages of grief: denial/bargaining/anger/depression/ and finally acceptance. I look in the mirror and realize that even though he betrayed me and our relationship, I am not innocent of the act of betrayal either. The real betrayal is what I did to myself. The worst part of this experience is facing that truth. They say, “love is blind,” but I’m not sure that’s the case. I was not blind to it. I chose to turn a blind eye to it. Writing that out is a very harsh truth to admit. Through this healing journey…a handful of friends told me I came to them with reservations about going through with my big day. I didn’t remember those conversations, and I certainly don’t remember having them with the number of people I did.
After speaking with my friends, the advice was unanimous among them. If he treats you like this, is this absent now, and speaks down to you now, it won’t change when you’re married. Looking back, I see that I knew all of that deep down. I was looking for someone to tell me verbatim not to go through with it, but honestly, I think people did as much as they could’ve.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be married. I wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that someone would choose me every day and love me unconditionally. I wanted the movie sequence. You know… the one where you marry your best friend. The one where they help you around the house, meet your friends, and sit with you at the dinner table at the end of the day with a glass of wine, laughing together. I wanted the scene that played back when your person brought you up and supported you no matter what. I just wanted to have my person and be happy. It seemed like a simple request.
I learned that movie scenes don’t happen outside the theaters. Most of the time, I was alone. I knew this wasn’t what marriage was supposed to feel like. It’s incredible the amount of bravery you have when you don’t have any other choice. I credit my patience, the hopeless romantic in me, my fear of the unknown, and the fear change to my many years of melancholy.
Being an independent soul worked to my advantage. If something needed to be done, I would figure out how to do it. As a result, I have always had the strength to carry myself and survive. However, I lacked the confidence and bravery to stand up for myself or recognize that I could do those things.
I always say that music is a love language of mine. Music has this divine way of eliciting emotions in a way that words alone can’t. I think it’s the closest thing we have to magic. I have been listening to Favorite Crime & Enough for You by Olivia Rodrigo, Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini, Bam Bam By Camila Cabello and Ed Sheeran, and Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez. They have been getting me through this. The Olivia Rodrigo songs mainly have spoken to me. Each of them has the undertone of a message saying she did everything for this boy she loved. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough, and no matter what she gave, she was the one who ended up hurt in the future.
This kind of misery …. I understand all too well. I couldn’t understand what more I could’ve done to be heard, seen, appreciated, or loved.
“Don’t you think I loved you too much
To be used and discarded? Don’t you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?
But don’t tell me you’re sorry; feel sorry for yourself. Someday, I’ll be everything to somebody else. You always say I’m never satisfied, but I don’t think that’s true. All I ever wanted was to be enough…. But I don’t think anything could ever be enough.
For you” (Rodrigo,2021).
If I was never removed from the situation, I would not have ever realized that I was only a shell of a person. I wouldn’t have seen that I was a woman who hid behind a smile and a to-do list. I wouldn’t ever realize how unhappy I was.
Today I look in the mirror, and the woman in the reflection genuinely smiles back at me. I am so proud of her. I finally look at myself and see how far I have come, how capable I am, and all the things I am instead of what I am not.
I am finally at a place where I feel comfortable trusting myself; that’s not something I ever thought I’d be able to say.
There’s good in every situation if you look hard enough.
I’m proud of myself for seeing a different reflection when I look in the mirror, I’m embracing my new journey, and I’m grateful for it.
